Amin Blog

Day 6 - Two things you want.

1. 

2.

Day 1 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 2 - Six things you love.
Day 3 - Five songs you like.
Day 4 - Four things you wish you could say, but might never.
Day 5 - Three things you miss.
Day 6 - Two things you want.
Day 7 - One story of a memory you have.

Day 5 - Three things you miss.

1. I really miss having someone there to talk with. A “partner in crime”. I know I have a lot of friends, and a lot of REALLY good friends are there, but growing up, I’ve always had that one guy I could go to and we’d be able to talk about life and cause mischief with one another. Life and adulthood has definitely came, and many of my best friends have moved on to other states, serving the military, or they’re obliged to their own partners (and for these guys, it’s best if I don’t spend time with them, because their girls definitely won’t like me). What’s sad is that I definitely screwed up my chance to share this relationship with someone within the past month, and it’s funny to see how fast they were able to move on while I realized how much I screwed up. I’m honestly kind of a lone right now. It’s a feeling I’m used to, but I truly miss having someone there for me.

2. A follow up to number one, I really miss my friends and family. My cousins in California and Detroit, my family in Iraq and Dubai. I really miss all of them. Growing up with your relatives is the best thing in the world. Sharing beds with my cousins and being able to play games with them and stuff was the greatest times of my life. I really miss those days, but even as adults, we still have fun being with one another. Talking about family matters, life, the world. I really miss all this.

3. I miss cheesecake. Especially the caramel cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. Grrrrr I’d die for cheesecake!!!

Day 1 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 2 - Six things you love.
Day 3 - Five songs you like.
Day 4 - Four things you wish you could say, but might never.
Day 5 - Three things you miss.
Day 6 - Two things you want.
Day 7 - One story of a memory you have.

Day 4 - Four things you wish you could say, but might never.

1. “Hey, you see that alien over there? Totally just probed me.”

2. “I own a lambo, five ducattis, three ferraris…”

3. “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

4. “I do.”

Day 1 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 2 - Six things you love.
Day 3 - Five songs you like.
Day 4 - Four things you wish you could say, but might never.
Day 5 - Three things you miss.
Day 6 - Two things you want.
Day 7 - One story of a memory you have.

Day 3 - Five songs you like.

1. Baghdad - Ilham al Madfai

2. My Way - Frank Sinatra

3. Saltwater - Chicane

4. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga

5. Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi

Day 1 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 2 - Six things you love.
Day 3 - Five songs you like.
Day 4 - Four things you wish you could say, but might never.
Day 5 - Three things you miss.
Day 6 - Two things you want.
Day 7 - One story of a memory you have.

Day 2 - Six things you love.

1. I love carpet.

2. I love desk.

3. I love lamp.

4. I love lamp!

5. I love lamp!!

6. I LOVE LAMP!!!! 

Day 1 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 2 - Six things you love.
Day 3 - Five songs you like.
Day 4 - Four things you wish you could say, but might never.
Day 5 - Three things you miss.
Day 6 - Two things you want.
Day 7 - One story of a memory you have.

Day 1 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1. The first thing would have to be school and my decision to change my major. This has been the number one thing bugging me the most, and I really don’t know how to go about it. I pretty much have an inner war going on within myself to decide whether I really want to do this change or not, but I don’t want to have to regret my decision. I don’t want to feel like what I choose to get into is worse than my previous major, but I know I won’t be happy in that one. I’m just constantly arguing with myself right now and it’s affecting my life in general. Essentially, since my decision to change my major, I’ve become lazy, and I stopped caring for school in general. I think some times that if it’s bugging me this much to change my major, then I shouldn’t change it. But I really don’t know what I want to do. I’ve pretty much came to the acceptance that we’ll see where life takes me.

2. The second thing crossing my mind would be jiu jitsu. During any downtime I can find, I would instantly start thinking about techniques, training, and different kinds of strategies I can try when I go back to practice. It’s funny that when I go back, I never try any of the cool stuff I think of, but hey, I love the fact that jiu jitsu will preoccupy my mind. I couldn’t ask for anything better to be there.

3. The third thing would probably be friends and family. I’m always thinking about what my friends are doing, how are they are feeling, what they are up to. I’m always thinking what I should have said to this person to have made them feel better, what I should have said to my dad the other day, or how I should have treated this person better. My friends and family are a huge part of my life, having them to occupy my mind is something I would accept generously.

4. The fourth thing occupying my mind would be my religion. In my head, I’m constantly reciting the same verses of the Qu’ran over and over, making sure I have some kind of connection and a reminder of who I am and what God means to me. In my head, I try to break down what what was happening at that time, and imagine what people back then were going through that can reflect my life now. Being able to remember the stories of the Prophet and the word of God always makes me feel relaxed and makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about.

5. The fifth thing, and with my mind being the hypocrite that it is, I always think about failing, losing, and not being able to become as good as I should be. I look at myself in the mirror, and I can’t help but think how much of a disgusting human being I am. I always think about the things I’ve done wrong, all the mistakes I’ve made, and all the bad things I’ve done to others. I can’t help but think how worthless I am, and that no matter what I do, I will not amass to anything big.

6. The sixth thing that crosses my mind would probably be me thinking about my future, and how I want it to look and planned out. Pretty much, I try to look at things as specifically and real as possible, and would always try to imagine everything for the worse. That way, when I do end up getting the worst, it’s expected, whereas if I imagine myself as the best, then I’m constantly going to disappoint myself when I don’t get where I want to be. When I think about my future, I do imagine it as a grand and amazing thing, but that’s after all my hard work and constant struggles lead me to that point.

7. The seventh thing that would cross my mind would probably be all the entertainment/leisure stuff I would do. Video games, comic books, Gundam models, novels, driving, road trips, movies, etc. These would be all the random things that cross my mind that I actually end up doing with more enthusiasm than the real things that matter in my life. (LOL)

Day 1 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 2 - Six things you love.
Day 3 - Five songs you like.
Day 4 - Four things you wish you could say, but might never.
Day 5 - Three things you miss.
Day 6 - Two things you want.
Day 7 - One story of a memory you have.

What’s funny to me is that I think I still have a chance,

A chance that is being fueled by my desire,

A desire that is pushed by my curiosity,

The curiosity to see where we can go and what you are about.

You see, my mind won’t let me stay in one stance,

I am no pushover, and I have an emotional fire,

The kind of fire that won’t be explained by simple rhapsody,

And it’s making me realize that I need to finally take a different route.

I laugh when I think we can come together for a dance,

It’s like I have an image in my head that will transpire,

And it’s sad that I even think you’ll say “maybe”,

Because, as the fool I am, I was too slow and eager to see what you’re about.

Yeah, I’m gonna accept the fact that there isn’t a chance,

How sad of me, that I feel like I still want to conspire,

Conspire the illegal act to call you my “lady”,

And it’s hilarious how my pride won’t allow me to lose this bout.

Well, it’s that time now to break out of this trance,

It’s stupid how this situation became so dire,

And I’m not gonna lie, I was a big baby.

That’s why it’s funny to me, that even though I know I lost, I still want to see what you’re about.

Once we arrived to the city, we quite honestly didn’t know what to expect. The four of us knew we were going to meet an acquiantance who agreed to let us spend time with them, and we knew that this city only had three or four things of interest to us Night Folk. Beyond that, it was nothing but improvisation in this city of Kingman, Arizona.

Essentially, this trip made me really think further about human nature and look into how a society acts in a different kind of community and enviornment. Kingman is the first city after a traveler would leave the Nevada border from Boulder City, and the city’s purpose is simply for a pit stop for travelers and truckers. To operate different businesses, people obviously must live in the city, and they obviously must have their culture and activities they like to participate in. Since Kingman is a small town with independent businesses out numbering all the corporate businesses, everyone in the town generally kept to themselves and almost operated in the same general matter.

Most people in the city were friendly, and responded well when they were talked to and held conversations easily. Something that wasn’t surprising in this town, however, was the prejudice followed just by the way someone looked. Racism was an extreme abundance in the city, as groups of white men were not afraid to talk down to a black man or a hispanic man. If you are a person of a different ethnicity or different skin color, you are immediately eyed out by even the oldest of people. However, this is simply a display of ignorance and disrespect, because despite the fact that people in this city would openly show hatred towards other people, there was no real physical or emotional threat presented. Like stated above, people in the city are very easy to talk to and converse with, and by showing an open mind to these people, it would not be hard for these people to grow out of their ignorance and start learning what the meaning of respect is.

The adventure to this city was put together by the opportunity to spend time with an acquiantance that was a friend for one of the members of the road trip party. This opportunity had it’s expectations in my eyes to be a chance to go out and meet new people, do new things in a foreign city, and perhaps find opportunities of love and romance (not really). Something I learned in this trip is that having expectations is not the way to go, and to not assume anything out of someone. The culture within the youth at Kingman is the stoner scene. Drugs, alcohol, and partying are all normal thing to do for all the young adults in the city. They eat, sleep, and breath this. The reason for this is simple: There is nothing else to do in Kingman. If you are a resident of Kingman, you work, eat, and sleep. You simply live life. There is nothing to do in this city, and as such, having the opportunities to be able to smoke what you need to smoke and drink what you need to drink to forget about your day and have a good laugh at life is just what the doctor ordered for the youth to spend their day.

It was surprising to me how trusting our hosts were in this trip, and it was incredibly surprising to me how open they were with us to their lives and activities. It was as if we were already friends of theirs, and that it was normal for us to simply spend time with them. I found it amusing when I asked our hosts if they even knew our names, and the expressions of their face went blank. They didn’t know who we were, they didn’t even know where we were from. They simply let us in on the knowledge of one of the group member’s words. There was no helping the feelings of anxiety and confusion when I was with these people. However, something I realized towards the end of the trip, was how reluctant I was to open up with those people and actually place some trust into their hands.

It seems to me that a problem I have within my own self being is that once I find something that is sure to turn my interest off in someone, I become somewhat of my own worst enemy, and will be the biggest asshole in the face of the earth. I am not afraid to talk down on people, and I am not afraid to ruin their own emotions for the sake of my hatred towards them. This is an emotional and just a plain stupid disorder of mine that I really discovered this weekend, and it’s something that I really need to control. What’s funny is that I was able to tell what our hosts wanted to do, and that I was willing to do it as well. But I couldn’t imagine myself sitting there with what I saw as idiots and try to carry an intelligent conversation with them without the need to stab myself in the gut and throw myself infront of trains.

Enough of me, though. This little adventure to Kingman, Arizona, served as a little eye opener for both my own problems and a different society in general. The conclusion I met is to always expect the unexpected, and try to always focus on the person in front of me rather than hold expectations that will not be met. The beautifuly thing about this world is that everyone is intelligent in their own way or form, but it’s a matter of knowing how to converse with them to learn how they think. Rather than expecting everyone to see things a certain way and getting pissed over silly reasons, I should simply be as chill with others as possible, and not let my emotions get to me anymore.

Kingman, AZ, you definitely served to be a great learning experience.

It’s easy for me to meet anyone I want to meet. Left and right, I can talk to whoever the hell I want to talk to, and if I want to have a longer lasting friendship with them, I can go for it. With men, I can talk to them days on end about anything guy related and instantly become best friends. With women, I can listen to them and lay down what they’re looking for.

But for some reason, whenever I have chemistry with someone, it seems like it’s never really shared. Like I feel a spark and energy that only I can see, and the other person doesn’t really share it. It’s vice versa as well, people click with me, but I don’t click with them. For some reason, being able to meet people, talk with them, and make new friends is somewhat of a curse to me. All I’ll be able to do is just be close to them in the end, but I’ll never have the feelings of shared chemistry. It’s like a unwanted defect in myself that I can’t really shake off.

Nevertheless, I enjoy doing what I do. In this past year I’ve met a ton of new faces, discovered a lot of new breaths of life, and learned so many new things from other people. I’ve matured myself, and I’ve learned from the best. I only hope in the next few years, I’ll be able to find someone I can share emotions with and talk to like a normal person. Until then, I’m just gonna do what I always do, and be the Amin Machine.

You deserve better than me.

I know you are one of the best,

And I’m not trying to ignore you.

I just want you to see,

I’m not like the rest.

And I don’t ever want to hurt you.

You deserve better than me,

Happiness won’t last long when it starts as a mess.

Just try to see that a fool like me can never be with a beauty like you

You came without notice,

Almost ruined friendships,

Broke hearts,

Cheated on the best,

Displayed nothing but how stupid you are,

And yet, you decided to come back.

You’re taking advantage of these things now.

You just dug your own grave.

If you know what’s best for you, it’s best if you just pack up and leave.

Your service will be well appreciated in some other business that’s not friendship.

And man, it’s not much of a secret if other people are being informed of it.

You fucked up too, and you only have once chance to fix this.

Don’t fuck this up.

The beats of music is played in the back,

It’s rythm soothing the emotions.

The cold weather freezes the blood,

Hearts can’t beat fast enough to fight the cold.

The leaves of the trees move left and right,

Birds fly onto the garden,

Teasing the felines as their meals.

Looking at the minute hand,

It seems like it doesn’t move.

The television blurts random words,

The words don’t serve any meaning.

Impatience starts to settle in,

Thoughts that shouldn’t be thought are brought back.

A voice says just run away,

Too bad that voice doesn’t have a brain.

Nothing productive is getting done,

Boredum is certainly the killer of good men.

Recently, I just finished the play “A Doll’s House” written by Henrik Ibsen. A unique view on the current family life, Ibsen presents a married couple in Torvald and Nora Helmer and describes how happy their life is despite many hardships and Nora’s constant deep secrets behind Torvald’s back. I suppose that this play was supposed to be one of the first views on realism playwriting, as it took a unique turn from the normal love stories and threw in an unhappy ending.

What I took out of this play was definitely from the end. Nora took Torvald aside and pretty much said “Look, you don’t understand me. Eight years of marriage and three kids later, you don’t know who I am. You probably never will. So I’m leaving. See ya!” This situation definitely made me think about how couples in our society and in the world in general work. Torvald and Nora got together pretty much out of necessity and because they thought it was something that was definitely meant to happen. What they didn’t know, however, were each other. Torvald didn’t understand what Nora wanted, and Nora didn’t know how to speak up throughout their marriage and say what she wanted. Throughout the entire story, Torvald did nothing but treated Nora as if she were a doll. He had her do the tarantella for everyone, dressed up so beautifully, and said, “Look at my beautiful songbird, is she not beautiful?”

In our modern society, it’s pretty evident that relationships and marriage don’t consist of the same roles they do back then. It’s hard to find marriages where it’s more than a contract or less than two fools falling in love. The play made me realize the importance of being able to understand your partner, and the importance of communication from the beginning. If Nora was honest with Torvald since the beginning of their marriage, then their split may have been avoided in the end. Who knows, maybe it wouldn’t have. Maybe they still would have been married throughout because neither of them knew what they wanted. Being able to speak up to your partner about the issues that matters and include the other party into situations that are important are the building blocks into a good relationship. We shouldn’t have to worry about how we look or what we do that makes the relationship beautiful. What makes the relationship beautiful is that both parties are able to console one another, understand one another, and always be able to stay together until the very end.

Perhaps “A Doll’s House” is a play we can all take into consideration when it comes to relationship. Be straight with who you want to be with, but always be aware of what needs to be done to make things work. A person may not be the right one, but in the end of the day, by having the trust that they’ll be there for you no matter what, then that’s more than enough fuel to keep the engines rolling.

Well man, I’m sorry things had to come up this way.

I didn’t expect you to come in the way all of a sudden,

And my own emtional remorse isn’t letting me see the light of day.

Certainly, I don’t want to stress you with my burden.

Be careful next time when you do what you want,

Things could have gone differently, but there no turning time.

In this life, we all have to perform to our part.

In the end, we’re all going to be standing in the same line.

I’m sorry, man.

Things will be back to normal soon,

Just bear with me, man.

We’ll be singing again, from midnight ‘til noon.

When I wake up, your name is the first thing to come into my head.

Followed by your face, which is accompanied by your beautiful hair.

I see your hand, and I wish I could take it to see where it may lead.

But I can’t take it, realizing that this isn’t fair.

I talk to the image I made for you, asking what should I do?

You tell me I am at a loss, on a chase leading to nowhere.

I agree, but I implore that this is something I must not lose.

You laugh, taking my crumpled hope, and throw it into the stratosphere.

I jump over fences, climb onto buildings, fly into the sky.

It is my hope, that is what I want the most.

But half way through, I realize, I’m living a lie.

Why hold onto my hope for something that is lost?

I am afraid now, afraid of how I really feel.

All I want to say is how much I miss you,

But for some reason, I feel those words might not be real.

I’m dying in my own personal battle for you.

At war to convince myself not to hold onto my hope,

Because I’m scared we’ll never see it the same way.

Please be patient for me until I elope,

And just know I always care for you, and I don’t want it to go away.