Just got the sudden urge to play .hack
things were never the same for gene after that
I hate it when a girl arches her back on Instagram but can never take it deep in real life.
I had a conversation with my dad for an hour and a half about my emotional distress. I told him I don’t know what to do with my future and he got pissed at me for hardly asking him for help.
I have a very traditional Iraqi father. He wants me to get my degree and he wants to do it by fostering me. He told me the family doesn’t look good because I’m choosing to do things my way. “We are losers right now because you can’t succeed” is what he said.
I told him I feel like a constant failure because everything I try to do I won’t succeed. I told him my own personal issues and he didn’t know what to say.
It really does suck feeling the biggest failure in the world. It’s worse believing my own lie. It sucks being from the top of the world and having to suffer to swim in the bottom of the ocean.
I dunno if I should be happy or sad about Yahoo’s purchase of Tumblr.
More advertisements for more viewers? I dunno. Hopefully it won’t look like an advertising journal
“If you get sick, you have to take antibiotics to cure your infection. If you break your leg you need surgery, there’s no shame in taking medication for depression,” they told me.
“Yes,” I replied, “But if you don’t take antibiotics, you’ll die from sickness. If you don’t get surgery you’ll die from blood clots. If I don’t take anti depressants I’ll still be alive. I’m not going to kill myself just because I think I want to die.”
The therapist was speechless. She didn’t know what to say. She tried to find words to sell me the medication but deep down its fake.
I’m not a fucking machine. I’m not a robot. I’m a human being and my mind can function without chemicals.
The therapist tried to convince me that I need medicine to get rid of my depression. I argued with her saying I’m not clinically depressed and that it’s something I can control. I had to raise my voice because I was getting frustrated. I guess through my frustration she was able to tell I was traumatized by something.
So I ended up making a huge list of all the issues I’ve been through in my life, from me to my family.
I guess my depression is a form of PTSD. I can’t sleep or eat or think straight because of all the trauma I’ve seen.
I’m just happy I don’t have to take some stupid pill.
I walked into an academic counselor’s office today in order to get information on my academic future. I told her I was honestly thinking about killing myself and she immediately told me I need to see a therapist.
I’m sitting in a doctors office right now waiting to meet someone I have never met in my life and tell them I think I have depression. I feel like I just took a deep step backward. I think I’m depressed but I know I’m not. I know the things I need to do.
I don’t know. I guess I do need help.
The Land of Wrath and Chaos: Let's Talk About What it Means to Be a Convicted Felon -
disclaimer: this is my own personal account so i won’t respond to fuckery and if you cite without proper citation and permission, it’s your ass. this story about the young Black girl being charged as an adult for a science project gone wrong inspired this.
i am someone who has been convicted of a felony. it was non-violent and drug dealing related. this criminal justice allows felonies for people who are arrested with others in possession of drugs even when you aren’t found with them on your person. since this happened, starting when i was 17 and something i had to deal with in court until 2010 so basically 4 years, i lost a lot of “friends”, my mother had people telling them their children couldn’t come over and be with my sister, i’ve had people ask about whether i am taking drugs because i lost a ton of weight due to stress. but one of the most impactful things that happened is i could no longer find work.
being a convicted felon means it doesn’t matter how skilled or long you’ve worked in a field. it doesn’t matter that i have an associates. or a bachelors degree. or soon a master’s degree. every single company pretty much in the company has the legal right to discriminate against me without impunity. there is no legal recourse convicted felons can take when they are denied time and time and time again for jobs they apply and are qualified for. recently, companies like staples and others had to pay large fines for simply phasing out people who have checked yes on the question, have you been convicted of a felony. and when you are perpetually unemployed, employers also have been found to discriminate against you for being unemployed and not currently working.
this is on top of being Black. perceived a woman. mentally ill. and queer. which already contribute to my marginalization and to the marginalization of many other people in that situation. when i was hired by a temp agency i was immediately fired after my record came back, despite being told i was the best temp the office had in awhile. after applying time after time i couldn’t work. i ended up dancing at a club for a few years. something that also contributes to stigma and showed me who my true friends are. it was the only way to keep a roof over my head and eat and still go to school. you know how many queer people of color go to jail simply for this crime of sex work to survive? for selling drugs to survive? for doing whatever they need to survive. when we are already pushed out of everything.
as a convicted felon, all comments in articles about my ass and people in my position say i deserve whatever i got. whatever it is violence, abuse, firing, r*pe in prison or many other things, people in the US believe felons deserve it. there is a completely racial nature to this of course in a white supremacist nation that thrived off free labour of enslaved Black people and then denied them reparations and continue to lock them up for more free labour and to support an economic system designed to terrorize us.
as a convicted felon, i can’t own a gun even though as a black queer perceived woman i am more likely to face death at the hands of a partner or by the police or other types of similar violence. being a convicted felon means you can never touch a weapon even if you were always non-violent. it means you will go to jail again if you are ever caught with a gun even if it’s to save your life.
as a convicted felon, it means all acts of violence against me will be questioned as questionable. even though black women already face that dilemma. it means that my entire background will be scrutinized and used as an excuse to do whatever the fuck people please.
as a convicted felon, i am held up as a bad Black person, holding back the good Black folk. i can’t stay out of trouble, get a job, stop being involved with the wrong men or the wrong work or get off the pole and just do right. these are the same people who blame black women as the fall of the black community and do backflips to deny white supremacy and anti-blackness.
as a convicted felon, i am always afraid of the police. i never feel safe to ask for help. i am at the verge of breaking down every time i see the cops. my heart stops every time i hear a siren. i get cold sweats and have bad dreams about the times guns have been thrown in my face, being thrown on the grown, having my doors busted in and being called everything under the sun. i am told it’s only a few bad apples when this kind of generational violence at the hands of police is something my people have experienced for over a hundred years.
as a convicted felon, i am what you warn your kids not to be. not to become. not to aspire to.
as a convicted felon, a white man with a felony conviction is more likely to be hired than a black person without a felony conviction. leaving me to ask, where does that leave me?
as a convicted felon, i am no longer eligible for any form of public assistance, be it food stamps, welfare, public housing, nothing. i can’t ask for help from the government i pay taxes into when i do work. i can’t utilize these so called “safety” nets. as someone who is lucky to have family who on one side has a bit of wealth cause they are white, i have been able to survive somehow. but not everyone has that. where does that leave black babies and children of convicted felons? where does that leave homeless people who have been convicted of felonies trying to get back on their feet? where does that leave sex workers convicted of felonies dying to change their career? where does this give us the resources to create generational wealth or a foundation when we can’t even get a mcdonalds job sometimes.
as a convicted felon, it means that if i got this conviction while on financial aid, i would never get financial aid ever again. ever. despite that they want me to stop selling drugs, stop dancing, stop doing what i do. despite the fact that you need support and financial backing to do that. despite the fact that education is one of the few opportunities to upward mobility black women have. all these black men we say are in prison instead of college. how the fuck you expect them to get to college when the black family wealth is less than $10,000? what is that going to do for these people who need funding? but oh, you wanna pump drugs into OUR communities, convict us for selling or being addicted and then deny us every institutional outlet available to try and survive and get one step forward.
as a convicted felon, i am always afraid i will never get ahead. no matter how educated. no matter how much i do that is acceptable in the eyes of white society. i can never stop paying for a crime of survival. ever. i always have to explain, apologize. and this fear is based on reality, the reality that every college i apply to, every job i apply to, asks about my background or runs a check. and has every legal right to excuse me no questions asked.
y’all wanna charge Black girls as felons for doing SCIENCE projects and tell us it’s not racist? it’s not terrorism? it’s not genocide? it’s not selling our children for a price? you wanna tell us to pull our pants up, go to school, talk white, act right, study, do this, do that, and even when that happens if we cough the wrong way we could end up in jail and lose everything. yall wanna treat Trayvon Martin like he was convicted of a felony and deserved to die simply for being found with a weed baggie at school? yall wanna act like going to church and being good for the white man is going to save Black people when we have over a million of our people in jail and even more with felony convictions. when healthcare, education, proper housing, safety and all that depend on some type of wealth. that no matter how hard a community bands together they can only support each other so much without those resources.
you wanna tell us we want more stop and frisk? you wanna tell us we need to be targeted more? that we are the description. that our kids need to go from school to prison. for what? to serve you as the slaves you so long to legally get back and have maintained in the shadows for generations.
wanna talk about what it means to be convicted as a felon? how about you fucking ask us? think about what you are going to put this girl through. what you have put millions of us through. what you plan to put millions more through. think about what your white silence and guilt does. it fucking kills. and your respectability politics. it fucking kills. you wanna cry about twerking and hip hop ruining our children when this is a possibility. fuck outta here. this is what it means to be a convicted felon. it’s fucking terror.